Rose

[luthaiseakit]

Ignore this unless you really want a look into Rose's mind.  I've written down her thoughts as she starts on the journey to a temple to get Lilium healed.  It's messy.

 

We’re back in the Barony.  Caled is by my side.  His arm is around my and he kisses my head and murmurs encouragement to me.  I imagined that this would happen as we left the earldom and made it back to the barony.  As we came home.  I didn’t imagine Lilium dead.  I assumed we’d all be alive.  Battered, sore, tired and a little scared but surviving.  I thought it would be like Morag’s stories.  The ones where the really bad things happened to her patrol but they defeated the bad guys and came out the other side.  I thought this would be like that…  I never imagined it would end with Lilium dead.  Or with Gerrard too cross to talk to me.  Or with Are’aai comforting me.  Or…  Or with Mistral dying…  Or with anything like what happened really.

 

I never thought to see the inside of a volcano.  I certainly never thought I’d end up tipping a might god statue into one, or being set on fire by it.  I also never thought I’d scream at Barel…  Poor Barel.  She didn’t deserve that.  None of them deserve what I did to them.  I’ve frightened Caled, hurt Barel's feelings, Let Lilium down, let Gerrard down…  I’ve let them all down…

 

Lilium…  Oh Lilium…  I’m sorry, so, so, sorry.  I let you down…  I should have been in there with you, helping.  I wish you’d called me…  But that’s you to the core.  So much braver than me.  You always help people, and you give no matter what the cost.  Don’t think I didn’t see that.  I’ll tell you as soon as you wake up.  I promise I’ll tell you.  And I’m not leaving you alone…  I didn’t forget you.  None of us forgot you.  If you can see me know I bet you’d be laughing.  We must make quite a sight.  We argue over who gets to carry you.  I’ve got you cradled in my arms right now.  Caled gives me the strength to bear you and Isador walks at my side ready to take you should I hesitate or stumble.

 

Caled is worried about me I know.  I want to reassure him but I can’t.  I can’t find the energy, the words or the strength.  It’s as much as I can do to keep walking.  I want to throw my arms around his neck and hide my face in his furs and never, ever face the world again.  I can’t though.  I need to get Lilium to the temple.  I need to see her bought back.

 

Are’aai…  He says I should find solace in all those I’ve helped.  He says that Lilium wouldn’t want me to grieve like this.  I think he might even be right.  But I can’t seem to stop.  I’m tired, oh so tired.  Gerrard is tired I know.  He said that 9 months on duty is too long.  I know Gerrard, oh don’t I know!  You all come to me, to tell me of your problems.  And for all he scares me at times Courage is the only one who understands.  A healer hurts more.  We have to.  After all, we don’t just have our pain, we have yours as well.  All those time I’ve talked to you, to each and every one of our group.  Each time that I’ve soothed a fear, taken away a worry sympathised, advised, helped or cried with you that’s another hurt to add to the pile.  And it hurts.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.  Morag says you don’t know until you break.  She also says try not to break.  But I think it’s too late.  I’ve broken… 

 

I hurt too much, and too hard.  Hrm…  We’ve stopped for a rest.  Isador has taken Lilium from me and placed her gently on the ground.  Please Our Lady, Keep her safe for me?  Look after her?  I know she’s not one of yours but through me you’ve healed her often enough.  Surely that counts for something?  And she said you sounded like such a nice goddess, that has to help as well right?  Please…  Let her be somewhere safe right now, don’t let her be alone.  She didn’t want to be alone.  She was so scared of it.  Is.  She is scared.  It’s is because she is coming back to us.  If I have to join the temple, bully someone into it, get Cassius to bribe someone, anything.  Whatever it takes I /will/ bring her back. 

 

Caled is holding me now.  He’s whispering gently in my ear, He wants me to talk to him, but he’s so far away.  How can he be so calm?  Why doesn’t he realise that a world without Lilium is no world at all?  I want to hate him.  I want to scream and cry and hit him.  I can’t though.

 

I love Caled.  Love him with all my heart and soul.  Well, maybe not all.  Our Lady forgive that last thought, you know a part of me belongs totally, wholly to you.  But the rest?  That’s Caled's.  And I thank-you everyday for giving me the chance to find him.  Morag was right when she said you guide our steps with purpose. 

 

And…  Maybe I can take comfort in some of the things I have done.  These past two days alone, the good things I have achieved…  Well, I helped Are’aai find a new way, a purpose for which he could believe in and cling to at a time when he needed it.  I comforted Sapwood when the moon glowed orange and he seemed to be comforted by my words.  Mercer came to me for help when he was scared by his dreams and seemed reassured by my promises.  Gerrard says I saved his life.  I don’t know if I did or not really.  I helped throw a statue into a lava pool.  I stopped Barel running away.

 

Does that help Our Lady?  Does any of that atone for the wrong I have done?  For as well you know, I have done wrong.  Forgive me, please forgive me.  It was wrong of me to ignore Gerrard and Harowyn and try to chase that, that cave thing down with Sapwood.  It was wrong of me to not heal myself, especially when I spend so much time trying to convince the other healers to tend to their own needs first.  I know Morag has said the only healer who can’t help is a dead healer.  I know, too, that she’s right.

 

So forgive my worst and most terrible sin.  I’m sorry I tried to get myself killed.  Forgive me my moment of grief.  It doesn’t excuse it but my pain and sorrow overwhelmed me.  Again, if it were not for Caled I would be dead.

 

I’ve given my staff away.  Wasn’t mine though was it?  Caled asked me if I was sure.  I know he worries.  But it never belonged to me, and I don’t want to take anything from the Earldom that I didn’t go in with.  I don’t even know if I want the money Gerrard and Harowyn gave out.  I have Lilium’s for her as well.  Oh Lilium!  I’m sorry…  I’ll keep it safe for you I promise.  Maybe Caled will know what to do with it…

 

Lilium looks so peaceful.  She could just be asleep.  We’re moving again now.  Isador is ahead, Caled guiding me, as I stumble almost blindly along.  I must learn away to grant myself strength.  I must learn how to bring people back from the dead as well.  Paladin Archer can.  I need to find a way to learn…  Maybe if I can learn more, be better…  Maybe then I’ll be able to help people stop dying.

 

It hurts…  I hurt…  Why won’t the pain stop?  Why can’t I stop crying?  I need to be braver…  Lilium is brave.  I should be more like Lilium…

Gah, she's speshul...

Comments

[pureferret.livejournal.com]

If she is that's an awesome kind of speshul. Moving to say the least. :)

[lilacivy.livejournal.com]

Thank-you :) It's a shame she doesn't get to adopt Mungo...

[pujaemuss.livejournal.com]

Goodness.

PJW

[lilacivy.livejournal.com]

And what is that supposed to mean?! :P

[xanthipe]

How much of this is outwardly visible, out of interest?

[lilacivy.livejournal.com]

Not a lot really. Shes very quiet, crying more or less constantly, only stopping when she physically can't produce more tears, and it's quieter now. The tears keep flowing but the sobbing has stopped if that makes sense? She's not really interacting with the party at all. I suppose someone watching her would notice that she's withdrawn almost totally. She's mechanical, walking when she can, carrying Lilium as much as she can, eating and healing herself when nudged into it by Caled. When they stop moving she grieves harder, until it's time to start again.

[xanthipe]

It's a pity that there isn't likely to be an overnight stop in the journey between the border and the keep then - it's something Mistral probably would notice on rest stops (having been keeping a weather-eye on Rose since her berserking incident) and it could have been an interesting downtime...ah well :)

[lilacivy.livejournal.com]

Well, is Mistral likely to join the 'lets bring Lilium back to life' downtime miniquest? 'Cos there'll be plenty of time to chat on that trip... And Rose isn't getting better any time soon...

[xanthipe]

Depending when it is, I'm game (I intend to sleep lots over the next few days).

[lilacivy.livejournal.com]

Well we've been told that what with travel, and the fact that'll there will be delays at the temple Lilium won't be res'd for two weeks, so we'll wait for the debrief and have the downtime some point next week hopefully. I may do more of Rose's mental wanderings in the meantime though, be warned!