More Rose...
Aug. 4th, 2010 10:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luthaiseakitOne morning last week...
Morag looks up from her sewing as there is a knock at the door. She moves to the range, and collects the kettle that has just boiled as she calls ‘Come in Rose dear.’ Pouring water into the teapot she sits herself down at the table, as Rose enters and takes of her shawl and bag, hanging them neatly on a peg beside the door, before coming to sit down, opposite Morag.
‘One of these days, you are going to have to tell me how you know it’s me at the door…’ Rose smiles fondly at the older woman. Morag pours tea for two, and pushes a plate of biscuits towards Rose ‘Well, today I knew because I saw Daisy earlier and she said Tomas was planning on taking Caled on a tour of the fields, and that she was planning on a spring clean…’ Morag grins at Rose’s slightly guilty blush and continues ‘so it didn’t take much to realise you might decide now was a good time to come and see me.’
Rose busies herself in choosing a biscuit and nibbling it. Suddenly she asks ‘Did you know it was going to be that bad?’ Morag sighs. She takes a sip of tea and then looks Rose in the eye. ‘Not exactly… I never dreamed of your being thrown in prison for nine months and particularly not in the sort of conditions Caled has described. But yes, I did know it would be a hard thing for you to cope with.’
She gets up and moves over to a chest. Opening it and rummaging inside she says ‘Patrols are what keep the kingdom safe, they are all that stands between the ordinary folk and all that is weird, occasionally wonderful, and terrifying. I… I hoped you would experience the occasionally wonderful. It makes up for the bad things, mostly.’ She picks up a book from inside the chest and turns around.
Rose is crying, silently, the biscuit has been crumbled to pieces and swept aside. ‘I can’t sleep Morag… It was awful; everyday I’d wake and think, well, it can’t get worse… But every day, every single damn day it did. People died, and I couldn’t help them. People got hurt and I couldn’t fix them. They fell apart in front of me… And I couldn’t help them. Morag how do you bear it? How… How can I bear it? I thought it would get better, when I got home, but it hasn’t! Every night I dream, and it’s always about Blackgate… Some times I remember what happened, what I saw… That’s bad, but what’s worse? Is when I dream bad things are happening, to Caled, Ana, Barel, Gerrard, Mistral and everyone else! They get cut down in the training yard… Or the Doctor has them… Or Bison executes them…’
Rose gets up and paces the room, Morag stands, listening quietly. If you knew her well, you might be able to spot the traces of grief and guilt she’s trying so hard to hide. ‘I learnt to fight. Did you know that? No, I guess you didn’t, because I haven’t told you. I hate it. Every thing it means, everything it stands for. I never wanted to fight, never wanted to wield a weapon. I had to learn, so I could defend others… But it wasn’t a choice I ever thought I’d have to make.’ She turns to look at Morag ‘I only ever wanted to help people… But these days I think I might be the one most in need of help… How do I make it stop? How do I make the pain and the grief and the guilt lessen, so I can bear it? How, Morag? How?!’ Rose is crying hard, and throughout her speech her voice has risen with anger and pain.
Morag looks down, for a long moment. She then gathers Rose in towards herself and hugs her tightly. ‘My poor childing, I expected to have this conversation when you cam home, after your first few missions. For what its worth, and I know that might not be all that much now, I am sorry. It is hard. And as no doubt you’ve been told already, it’s harder on the healer than on anyone else. And it always will be. Now, come and sit down again, and I’ll tell you how we can make it easier for you.’
Morag leads Rose back to the table, and pours her a fresh cup of tea. She places it in front of her, along with the book. ‘Now then, when you go home I want you to read this. It’s my journal, from my first year on patrol. You seem to think I must have been perfect, but I assure that journal tells a very different story. The thing to remember is that although Our Lady guides us, she doesn’t control us. You’re a priest Rose, but you are human as well, and that means mistakes. Now, Childing, don’t look like that. People need to make mistakes, however bad they are, because that’s how you learn. You make a mistake, you see what went wrong and you make sure that next time, you don’t do that again. It’s a hard lesson to learn. In fact, when you learn it, you can teach me, because there are days when I struggle with that idea as well. ’
Morag takes a sip of her tea ‘the next thing to remember is how much good you do. It helps, a little, to balance out the bad memories. Ever been told you’ve saved someone’s life?’
Rose nods, almost unwillingly. ‘Several times. By various people, Gerrard mostly.’ She sighs and looks down. ‘I don’t think I did though, not really…’
Morag raises an eyebrow ‘so, what then? You think that Gerrard, the man you claim got you all out of there, lied to you? And the others as well? A group who you say worked well together and built up a level of trust unusual even in a long-term patrol group, to get yourselves out of this situation, they all just decided to lie to you, to make you feel better?’ Rose blushes, uncomfortably ‘well no…’
‘Then trust them Rose. They have no reason to lie to you. None at all. And why should they? People rarely lie to healers. So if your friends say you saved their lives, then take comfort in that. It will help you. You worked hard; Caled says you went over and above what was needed. Nine months with no rest is a long time Rose. I guess people got upset, grew angry with each other and frustrated?’
Rose nods ‘they started falling apart, it was awful…’ She almost whispers this. ‘Everyone got so hurt and upset… We got a meal, a, a party of sorts… And it was horrible. Everyone was so grim and unhappy…’
Morag sips her own tea ‘and if I know you, they all came and told you about their unhappiness didn’t they? People think they have to tell me things, out of respect. But they want to tell you. It’s a rare gift you have and you should cherish it. However, it adds another burden. You need to separate their problems from your own. Do you remember long ago, how I taught you to deal with your feelings, when someone you cared about was the injured person?’
Rose nods, slightly surprised. ‘I have to put the pain away, to deal with it later, because panic and fear don’t help fix people…’ Rose recites this as if by rote. Morag nods, pleased. ‘Exactly. Now we need to expand the theory a little. When people tell you their problems, you need to keep them a little bit separate from yourself. Their pain isn’t and shouldn’t be your pain.’
Rose frowns a little, obviously thinking about this. She absentmindedly takes a biscuit and starts to eat it. Morag says nothing but busies herself with refilling the kettle and watches Rose discretely. Rose is frowning, clearly puzzled. ‘But Morag, how can I help if I don’t understand what they are going through?
Morag smiles at Rose. ‘Ever heard the phrase ‘the outsider sees most of the game’? It means the person who isn’t involved can often see the solution most clearly. Sometimes it helps to feel what the other person is feeling, but mostly it doesn’t. And even if you do need to feel the same way as them, you need to separate it off afterwards. It’s for your own good Childing, I promise you. You’ll still be helping, but you’ll feel better and like as not, be able to sleep easier as well.’
Rose still looks troubled but nods, slowly. ‘If you say so Morag…’ She sips her tea and then yawns.
‘I do say so.’ Morag says gently. ‘You need to talk more Rose. Tell people your troubles. It’s also said that fair exchange is no robbery.’ She looks shrewdly at Rose ‘and I bet you didn’t tell many that you weren’t sleeping well did you?’ Rose hangs her head ‘they all had enough to deal with already…’
‘I’ll bet Caled would rather have known then, than find out like this now. He loves you, and you love him yes?’ Rose smiles and nods. ‘Then lean on him as he leans on you. Love is teamwork, but on the closest scale you’ll ever find. It’s about helping each other and complementing your strengths and weaknesses. He can fight you say, then let him be the fighter. You can heal, to a far greater skill than most. Use that to aid in his fighting. Help him stand to protect those around you. And let him take and share some of your burden. I don’t think he’ll mind, and you will again, feel better for it.’ Morag watches Rose closely during this speech, hoping to see signs of agreement or at least not outright rejection of this idea.
Rose nods very slowly, but seems to be taking this idea in. ‘That does make sense…’ She stands and gathers the tea things, taking them to the sink for washing, out of absentminded habit.
Morag smiles gently. ‘Rose. What are you doing?’ Rose stops, confused. ‘I’m going to do the washing up, like normal?’ Morag shakes her head. ‘That’s the apprentices job Rose, as well you know.’
Rose puts the pile of crockery in the sink. ‘I am your apprentice though Morag, so it’s not a problem is it?’
Morag raises her eyebrows. ‘So you and Caled intend to stay here? And you’ll join the council? And waste all those hard earned talents and skills you’ve gained in this past year? On this tiny little village, which in time will have an abundance of healing if the number of apprentices I have is anything to go by…’
Rose opens her mouth to protest, then closes it again. ‘I… I don’t know… I haven’t really thought about it. I still don’t think I’d be any good on the council though.’
Morag nods in agreement with Rose’s words. ‘I did say if you recall, that after a year of patrolling if you still didn’t want to join the council I would let the matter drop. I disagree with you Childing, because I think you’d be a wonderful guardian for this village. But, and this is an important but, I think you have further to go, and more to do. At the very least you need to travel to Caled’s people, without encumbrances of any kind and a name of your own. And I think after a while, you’ll want to go patrolling again.’
Rose looks confused and a little scared. Morag, I don’t understand… What are you trying to say?’
Morag opens a box, and pulls out a green stone heart pendant. She hands it to Rose and says, as formally as she can manage ‘Rose-Annabelle Fletcher of Hearts Deep, your apprenticeship is ended and you are now a Wise Woman, with all the skills you need. For your last duty as my apprentice, I charge you to go back into the world and find your place in it.’ Her voice wobbles slightly ‘You’ve earned this and I’m so, very, very proud of you…’ Morag hugs Rose tightly, after Rose accepts the pendant with a shaking hand. ‘But, but… I’m not ready yet!’ She almost wails.
Morag laughs, though her voice is also tinged with sadness. ‘Childing, none of us are ever truly ready for what life gives us. The best thing is to deal with each problem as it comes. I, your teacher, say you are as ready as you are ever going to be. And now, when you leave to go travelling you won’t feel obligated to come back, but hopefully you will want to. Anyhow, the words have been said and cannot be unsaid. You are no longer an apprentice. And seeing as I see Caled and Tomas along the lane why don’t you run along and let them know?’ She hands Rose her journal from the table and smiles encouragingly at her.
Rose seems overwhelmed, and just stands their, dumbly for a long moment. Then she hugs Morag fiercely, turns and darts to the door, grabs her bag and shawl from the peg and is gone, running down the lane, almost before Morag has time to blink.
Morag sits back down to sew, brushing a tear away from her eye. ‘Oh but I’ll miss you Childing,’ she murmurs to the empty house.
