Rose Again

[luthaiseakit]

Emo, she's very emo.  You have been warned...

 

So, it’s another day.  At least I think it is.  It must be.  I picked Lilium up from beside the remains of a campfire so I guess we stopped for the night?  I don’t know.  I don’t seem to be very aware of what’s happening really.  I suppose I should try harder.  But it feels like too much effort.  Better just to stay here inside my head.  The numbness is a barrier that I can’t seem to break.  Life is full of shoulds.  I should eat more, should do more, should notice more.  But I just can’t.  I’m tired.  Too tired and it hurts so very much.

 

Walking is hard.  Standing is hard.  Not collapsing is hard.  I’d like to collapse.  To put Lilium down, and mourn her properly.  But that’s wrong.  I don’t need to mourn her properly…  She’s coming back to us.  I hope she is.  Please Our Lady, don’t let her want to stay wherever she is now.  Please…  Oh, I know it’s selfish of me to ask it if she wants to stay, but I can’t be without her…  I can’t.  I still have things to say; still have so much to tell her, there’s so much we were going to do…  She’s supposed to be coming to the hills, with me and Caled.  And Gerrard…  Only two days ago we talked about this.  Gerrard was going to take Ana back to Marshal Lianas and then meet us in the hills.  Guess we won’t do that now. 

 

Lilium still looks peaceful.  The scent of rosemary hangs around her.  It masks the other smell.  I…  I can hardly bear to think of what’s happening to her…  Her body.  Our Lady help me, it’s so hard to say that.  Even to think it.  I don’t want there to be two separate parts of Lilium.  I want her, whole, with us, smiling and being all excited and enthusiastic. 

 

One foot in front of the other…  Until the hour is up and Caled’s spell of strength disappears.  Then, loathe as I am to admit it, she is too heavy for me to bear.  I don’t drop you though, do I Lilium?  Isador and Caled keep a careful watch, ready to catch you, and steady me.

 

Caled is still worried.  Apparently relying this much on magical strength can be bad for you.  It tires the body out unnecessarily.  I think he worries about how little I’m eating as well.  He looks so drawn and pensive.  I’d…  I’d like to reassure him, to see him smile, but it’s too much.  I can’t seem to leave the confines of my head.

 

Is this what the rest of my life is to be like?  Locked inside my mind, watching but not able to participate in life?  Will Caled stay?  Or will he get bored of my human frailty and depart for the hills alone?

 

Please Our Lady, don’t let him leave me.  Give me the strength to reach him, please?  I don’t want to be alone.  I don’t want to be hurt and trapped, please, please, help me?

 

My eyes hurt.  It’s the sort of dull ache you get when you’ve cried too much.  And my cheeks are sore from where I wipe the tears away.  I guess I’m wiping them away, anyway.  I don’t remember doing so.  I can’t seem to stop the tears.